


Not Enough

by NorthernRose



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Feels, Army, Break Up, F/M, Heartbreak, Jon Snow Knows Nothing, One Shot, Post-Break Up, Reunions, The Night's Watch (ASoIaF), Theon is a gift, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-11-23 01:33:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20883971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NorthernRose/pseuds/NorthernRose
Summary: 'It had been two years since he had broken things off with her. She had been twenty then, what can a twenty-year-old possibly know about love, you ask? Plenty, just ask Sansa Stark and her heart, now carved of ice, hard and unyielding.'orSansa meets Jon two years after they broke up, and she is just as much in love with him as she was then.





	Not Enough

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first attempt at anything slightly angsty.  
I'm a sucker for a modern AU and enjoyed playing around with the friendship between Sansa and Theon. 
> 
> It's not a cheery one. I wish you good fortune in the wars to come.

“Sans, are you ready.”

He really was long suffering, her brother Robb. How long had he spent waiting for her in his young life? But she knew he wouldn’t blame her, not tonight of all nights, because would she ever truly be ready to face her ex-boyfriend, his best friend and the man she was still desperately in love with.

The answer was obvious, no, she would never be ready to face Jon Snow ever again but face him she must.

It had been two years since he had broken things off with her. She had been twenty then, what can a twenty-year-old possibly know about love, you ask? Plenty, just ask Sansa Stark and her heart, now carved of ice, hard and unyielding.

Two years ago, Sansa had been in University. Like most twenty-year olds, Sansa had thought her plans were fairly concrete, graduation, engagement, wedding, the end. Instead she had breakup, war, heartbreak. Jon had always known he wanted to join the military, him and Robb had been playing at soldiers since the moment they met, so this fact was not unknown to Sansa. What had been news to her, was that Jon did not believe she could face this journey with him.

“I cannot put you through that,” he had told her, the list of reasons when she had screamed and cried and begged had been endless, “I don’t want you to wait for me, I could die, I would not see you for months, maybe a year at a time,” he had told her. It was all just white noise to her now, all just accumulating into the excuses they were.

Jon joined the Nights Watch, the most elite military force in Westeros and left her behind. She had always had a stake in his dreams, and it was a broken-hearted pity that he had not felt the same way.

That was two years ago, and now, well now was Theon’s annual name-day blow out. Honestly the boy held astronomically ostentatious parties, it wasn’t even a significant age, but that was neither hear nor there. Jon was back, she didn’t know if it was for now or forever, she hadn’t bothered to ask Robb. She recalled Robb breaking the news to her almost comically, the poor boy had been petrified to tell her, to possibly render old wounds open, he hated to see his sister cry and he had held her plenty through the tears, especially in the early days.

She had never even tried to move on, why would she? You cannot unfeel what you feel, she was too honest to make a go of it with someone new when she wanted another, she was a Stark, true to the bone. He had her heart, he had taken it North of the Wall with him. She could not forget that, and you could ask anyone from Last Hearth to Dorne, a girl could never forget her first love.

\----------

“Are you sure your ready for this?” Robb has asked her as they walked into the flashy and pretentious venue Theon had chosen for his party.

“As I’ll ever be big brother, honestly Robb, you don’t have to wrap me in cotton wool all night. Beside you’re the best date I could ask for anyway,” she nudged him in the ribs, and he chucked at her, “But erm, well, what is _she_ like Robb?”

Yes, there was the real crux of it. Jon was bringing someone else. Arya had told her, because Robb had found it physically impossible to tell her that Jon had found someone who apparently was strong enough to go on his journey with him, not like silly, naive Sansa.

“Sans…” he huffed, “I don’t know, she’s… well Ygritte is…”

“Robb, spit it out,” she scolded him.

“She’s not you,” he settled, “and besides, I love Jon, you know that, but you are my sister. I have spoken to her once, just to be polite.”

She nodded at him and smiled shyly, “you’re very sweet Robby,” she said as she linked her arm with his and followed his lead towards the bar.

The venue was pretty, over head twinkling lights, floor to ceiling windows with a killer view of the city. She spotted various faces she knew and clusters of friends around the room. She steeled herself to at least try and have some semblance of a good time tonight.

“Seven bloody hells, Sansa Stark, marry me, right here, right now,” Theon opened his arms to her as he walked towards her.

“Good evening to you too Theon,” she said before kissing him on the cheek. He was an idiot, but he was her idiot. They had become surprisingly close since Jon had left.

“Theon, I will murder you if you lay a hand on my sister,” Robb joked good naturedly before turning back to the bar and engaging the barman.

He slotted his arm around her, “Seriously though Sans, you look absolutely edible,” he whispered conspiratorially in her ear, “Nice work, he won’t know what hit him.”

“Don’t be such a cad Theon,” she said as casually as she could whilst swotting him on the chest, “I have no idea what you are implying.”

“Whatever you say Princess, but I’ve seen enough Rom Coms over the years to know that the revenge make over is a bonefied ‘move’ and its working for you babe,” he raised his eyebrows at her to intone that he really wasn’t fooled.

Ok, so maybe Theon had a point. She looked good; she wasn’t an idiot. She wore a short black dress with spaghetti straps and black suede knee high boots. Her hair was down, obviously, Jon had always loved her hair. Was she being petty, probably? Did she care, not a hoot.

“Seriously, the boots are a nice touch,” Theon continued.

“Thank you,” she muttered before throwing him a wink, because he really could see right through her.

Robb returned with her gin and tonic, nothing like some liquid courage she had thought to herself. She swirled the lemon with her straw before taking a long sip. She looked up to find both her brother and their friend looking anxiously at her, frowns marring their handsome faces.

“He’s just walked in, hasn’t he?”

\----------

Sansa had a first been drawn to the head of red hair when she had turned to scan the room. The new girlfriend’s hair was more orange against her copper, but it had thrown her all the same. She was half tempted to mutter something to Theon about him obviously having a type but when Jon had turned across the room to greet Arya, she did not have the strength to summon a smart quip, or any words at all. He looked entirely as he had, yet completely different at the same time. Still the same beautiful and sturdy Jon Snow, a new scar here, more muscles there, but still her Jon. No. He wasn’t her Jon, just like she wasn’t his, he hadn’t wanted her enough.

“Theon, tequila,” she commanded without taking her glance from Jon.

“You’ve got it sweetheart.” Tequila was really, always the answer. Robb gave her a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder before leaving them too it and going to greet Jon. She smiled at her brother as he passed, she knew this was hard on him too. His best friend and his sister, with him in the middle. She would never begrudge him their friendship and Robb hadn’t seen Jon for a few months.

She turned her attention back to the bar, to Theon and a row of impressive shots he had been instructing the barman to erect. She didn’t want to look on the almost family reunion she would no longer be a part of. Her brothers and sister had all gotten to keep Jon, she hadn’t.

\----------

After three Tequila shots she was debating having the ‘if we’re not married by the time we’re thirty, I’ll marry you’ chat with Theon when she realised perhaps that was enough liquid courage for now. She had made small talk with a few old school friends and dodged Theon’s sister who had propositioned her twice already tonight. She had escaped to the terrace in hope of accosting Arya about her new beau. She wasn’t there but the air was fresh and cool against her skin. She leant against the wall, gin and tonic in hand and stared out at the city below.

“Sans.”

She hadn’t seen him come out, too lost in her own daydream. His voice made her shiver. She closed her eyes and tipped her head back towards the sky, took a deep breath and turned to face him.

“Jon.”

“How are you?” he asked, brow furrowed, he looked like he wanted to be there even less than her.

She huffed to herself, “you don’t have to do this you know Jon,” she said, gesturing between them with her glass, “the whole ‘talk thing’, to show everyone we are adults and we have moved on.”

He looked at the floor and rubbed his hand over his beard, one of his curls falling forward across his forehead, she had always loved his hair, softer than sin and nicer than it had any right to be.

“That’s not what I’m doing Sans,” he spoke to the floor.

“Isn’t it? We haven’t spoken in two years Jon, and besides it would be a lie,” he looked at her with confusion, so she continued, “because I am not ok with it, and I haven’t moved on.”

He stood there looking at her, she had turned back to the appraise the view, this would be easier if she didn’t have to look at his eyes, the eyes she missed more than anything in the world, except maybe his lips. She could still feel his stare on her, she wondered if he cared for what he saw.

“I just want you to be happy,” he said sadly.

“I was Jon,” she breathed, and she turned so she could smile at him, it was a soft smile, a genuine one. He hadn’t seen her smile in two years, she wondered if he thought of that at all, “I was desperately happy, so I will not lie to you and say I’m ok with this,” she muttered. She could feel her cheeks growing warm. She knew this conversation risked tears, she couldn’t cry in front of him, “You’ve moved on I see though,” she cocked her head in the direction of the door, “Arya tells me she is strong… wild… an adventurer. I’m glad she is worth the risk at least Jon,” she finished before nodding to herself.

“What does that even mean Sans?” he demanded.

She wouldn’t get riled up like him. The sadness and desperation had ended a while ago, about the time Theon pulled her out of a drink addled state and walked her to every lecture for a month to make sure she went back to school. No, she was just angry now, angry at the decisions and the life that had been taken away from her,

“It mean, I am glad you found someone strong enough, to be with you and to cope with the life you have chosen. I know you didn’t think I was,” she could do this, she steeled herself, maybe this was the closure she needed to finally move on, “That’s what you believed, that I couldn’t cope with it, being a soldiers wife, or maybe I didn’t love you enough to cope with the separation, or I would not be brave enough to cope with the loss of you, but I have coped Jon, for two years.” She finished matter of factly.

“How can you believe that? That I don’t think your strong or brave. I did it because I thought you were too good for that life, that you deserved better, I was young and naive and thought I was doing the right thing,” he whispered. He sounded sad, dreadfully so.

“I’m sure you did Jon, but the truth is you just didn’t believe that your dreams were my dreams too. You let your stupid honour make the decision for you. I’m not silly enough to know it wouldn’t have been hard, but I would have done anything, anything Jon, to be with you, and I wasn’t enough,” she inhaled a sharp breath to try and stop herself from crying, willing her watery eyes to keep the tears down, “I loved you then, I love you now and I have been in love with you every day in between, every day we have been apart, but you didn’t have enough faith in me Jon,” she still looked ahead of her as single tear tracked down her cheek.

She turned to face him and placed a hand against his cheek, she could feel him burrow into it as he closed his eyes, “I wish you well Jon, I really do. I hope you are happy.” She turned to walk away from him, back inside where she could breakdown in the safety of the toilet with her sister at her side.

“Sans, she isn’t you,” he said softly.

She turned and shrugged, “and there isn’t a man in the world who is you. But you should try and be happy Jon, maybe she will be worth it after all,” she said finally, before turning her back on the man she loved, who hadn’t wanted her enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Poor idiots...


End file.
